The wisdom of the Buddha - For Charli

Lately I have been hesitating to share my thoughts on my blog.  The reason for this is that, what is normally such a joyful and creative experience, had suddenly become a chore. It is only recently that I have realised that my inability to write was due to the black cloud of negativity that had enveloped me. The fact of the matter is that over the last couple of weeks, it has felt as though someone else has taken control of my thoughts and relentlessly proceeded to destroy my peace of mind. I suddenly found myself bombarded on all sides by thoughts with sharp, jagged edges; half formed words assaulted me with the sting of hail stones on exposed skin; dark and distorted images whirled like missiles through my brain. Unsurprisingly, this internal brainstorm robbed me of most of my energy and creativity. My lack of enthusiasm to write also stemmed from the fact that I thought it would probably not be a good idea to voice all this negativity but, I am a writer and in times of crisis words have always been my sanctuary. So I began to retreat, a little more each day; further and further into my own little world.  Now I realise that by staying silent I was actually passively allowing myself to slip further and further down a black hole into an underworld of hopelessness and lethargy.

You may wonder what could have changed in my life in just a few short weeks to prompt such a reaction; to be honest, I am not certain that I know the answer to that. But I do know what triggered this downward spiral. It began with my father’s illness and my sense of frustration and powerlessness in the face of a disease that is reducing his quality of life bit by bit with each passing day. It has been very painful to watch a man who has always been fit and strong, with a zest for life and the energy and enthusiasm of someone much younger, gradually fade away. But in some ways the most disconcerting thing of all has been to witness my own despairing response to this situation and to find myself apparently so easily defeated by it. It is always extremely hard to witness the suffering of those we love but I am a fighter by nature and have always found a way to pick myself up in the wake of heartache and disappointment of one kind or another. Yet despite this, I confess that this latest difficulty has been getting the better of me.

But, I am very lucky. Of the many blessings in my life, perhaps the greatest of all - aside from my children - are my friends. In times of need, I find I can always count on them to remind me of what I need to know; and sure enough, those who have truly earned the title of “friend” have never let me down. So it was that in recent days, my dear friend Charli quietly brought my attention to the fact that I am not a woman who retreats to her bed and pulls the covers over her head when faced with life’s vicissitudes. She reminded me that I am not a quitter and that, when faced with life’s inevitable lows, I have always picked myself up, dusted myself off and posed myself the question: Right, now what exactly is life trying to teach me this time?  On this occasion, the answer to that question has proved more difficult than usual to fathom because, faced with the suffering of someone I love, what is to be gained or learned from the experience is not immediately apparent. But thanks to my Knightess in Shining Armour, I have been given a firm nudge in the right direction, which as it turns out, was probably all I needed. I may not have all the answers to my current predicament, but I have been given a much needed reminder about who I am and what I believe in and that is a good place to start. Strange though it may seem, I had been in danger of forgetting who I am but thanks to this timely and loving reminder I have once again picked myself up, dusted myself off and realised that I am not powerless. There are things I can do to improve this situation, both for my father and myself.

In previous posts I have only ever made passing reference to Buddhism but Buddhist philosophy remains very much at the heart of my life. Since leaving London it has become a much reduced part of my daily routine, mainly because the Buddhist network I belonged to is in Marylebone, but despite that I still consider myself to be a Buddhist. In recent days, I have come to realise that it is precisely in this neglected area of my life where I can find the resources I need to weather the current storm. However, the reasons for this will only become apparent if I explain something about Buddhist philosophy. This is an area of my life that I had intended to keep private and not include in my public writing, mainly because I don’t feel comfortable expounding the belief systems of any religion (even my own!),  but this is a philosophy that profoundly informs my thinking and is directly relevant to my current struggles. So, just so you can understand where I am coming from I will try to explain some of the basic tenants of Buddhist philosophy. The first and most basic one is that, in order to attain enlightenment (which is to reach the highest state of Buddhahood), we have to learn to overcome the sufferings of birth and death that each of us will experience over countless lifetimes. For me personally, this idea is not something that I have had any difficulty in accepting (the part about countless lifetimes I mean, I still have much to learn about overcoming suffering), as I have always had a strong sense of the eternity of life. It neither makes sense nor feels right to me that each individual human life is merely a one-off event that follows a linear trajectory from cradle to grave before being consigned to oblivion; hence my fascination with the beautiful and eternal Phoenix.

It is mainly because of my conviction on this point that a small window has started to open up in my mind, allowing in just enough light to bring a halt to the negativity that had taken hold of my thought processes. And through this window I am starting to glimpse a vision of a bigger picture which may just give me the change in perspective I need to focus on my father’s eternal life and not just his present transient and - currently - painful one.  If I can do this, then I believe that my father’s illness, and my response to it, potentially offers me the greatest learning opportunity I have ever had. Furthermore it may offer a lesson that will hold me in good stead, not just for now, but for all time. 

So I have had my lightbulb moment and finally it is clear to me what I have to do next: first and foremost, I have to stop focussing on what I cannot change and focus on what I can.  This means concentrating on what I can do to make my father’s transition from this life to the next easier and more positive, and who knows, in so doing I may just learn a thing or two about how to come to terms with my own eventual mortality. But it also occurs to me that, if I am prepared to do the work and not give in to depression’s handmaidens – helplessness and despair - the end result of this process may be that I gain the wisdom to lead a better life because I have come to understand that my time is limited and therefore I need to direct my energy where it will create the most benefit.  But for now, I would like to focus on my father, not myself, and what I can do for him in these circumstances. I have had to accept that it is beyond my power to reverse the illness that is destroying his health, and I can do nothing to alleviate his physical pain, but I can offer sincere and heartfelt Buddhist prayers for his eternal happiness.

On that note, today’s daily encouragement from President Ikeda, (Buddhist Philosopher, International Peacebuilder and Educator) seems to offer the right words for the path I am about to embark on:

‘A coward cannot become a Buddha. We cannot attain Buddhahood unless we possess the heart of a lion. The harsher the situation, the bolder the stand we must take. This is the essence of the Soka Gakkai spirit.’ (Daisaku Ikeda, President of SGI International)

Now I think about it, the main reason that I became a Buddhist in the first place is because of all the religions and philosophies I had encountered, Buddhism was the only one to adequately address the fundamental questions of life and death in such a way that can alleviate - if not erase - the fear of death and the suffering it entails. In a Buddhist text, Nichiren Daishonin offers the following perspective:

‘Regarding life and death with abhorrence and trying to separate oneself from them is delusion, or partial enlightenment. To clearly perceive life and death as the essence of eternal life is realization, or total enlightenment.’

It is a fundamental premise of Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism that our lives are continuous from existence to existence and that the laws of cause and effect operate throughout past, present and future. According to this principle, the causes we have made in past existences are manifested as joy or suffering in this life, and the causes we make in the present shape our future. Buddhism contends that we will always be accountable for the causes we make because it is these causes - which take the form of thoughts, words and actions - that create our karma. Whilst we may not be able to easily lessen the negative effect of some of the causes we have made in the past, many of which we may not even remember, we can try to ensure that our actions, thoughts and words in the present will create a beneficial effect on our future. I find this to be a very empowering philosophy.

My father is nearing the end of his life and I have no pretensions to convert him to Buddhism but I would love to be able to give him some of the hope and clarity of vision that Buddhism has given me. I may have turned my back on my faith in recent days but I still acknowledge that it is the singularly most wonderful gift I have ever been given. If I can find a way to share this gift with my father in such a way that makes sense to him, I believe it may help him to come to terms with what is happening to him. I would like him to know that it is not too late for him to make peace with himself and experience the kind of hope that will give him the strength to transcend the suffering of his immediate situation.