Mirror, mirror…

I know of many successful women (myself included) who, despite their careers and independence, still secretly yearn for a modern-day prince to rescue them from the reality of everyday life. This myth is so deeply embedded in the collective consciousness of many women, that when a good man appears before us - after what seems, to some of us, like an eternity of kissing frogs – we often totally fail to recognise him. The reason for this is simple: the chances are he will be nothing like what we were expecting and, unless we are unusually lucky, he is probably not very princely either! Of course, not all women yearn for the contemporary version of the prince of our childhood bedtime stories: someone who will treat us like a princess and keep us in Jimmy Choos “til death do us part!”; but, even if we are not dreaming of being swept off our feet and carried off to the land of happily ever after, many of us still dream of a prince who will at the very least help with the washing up, share the childcare and save us from the horrors of DIY!

However, even the most romantically minded of us recognise that modern-day love stories rarely resemble fairy tales; particularly in an age where women no longer rely on men to give their life meaning and purpose and few would be content to languish in a castle while their Prince Charming slayed dragons all day! Yet, the reason that fairy tales have not lost their relevance and universal appeal is that, on a fundamental level, we still want to believe in the myth of happily ever after.  I hesitate to use the word myth here but it is the only term that fits; not because the desire for a happy ending is per se unrealistic or childish, but because the kind of happily ever after that some of us yearn for is as far removed from reality as the script of a romantic Hollywood film. Of course we know that films like Pretty Woman represent pure fantasy, but part of the appeal of such modern day fairy tales is that some of us still cherish the notion - consciously or not! -  that love can save the day; and that maybe all we have to do to bring about this miracle is look pretty and smile! 

It is surprising how easy it is to forget that human interactions are, in fact, far more complicated than fairy tales and romantic movies would have us believe!; consequently, many of us remain attached to the idea that love somehow ought to be easy. As a result of this deluded assumption, in many cases, when the going gets tough, we get going! Consequently, rather like take-away dinners, relationships have become easily disposable because few of us are prepared to go the distance. When faced with relationship difficulties, many of us will take this as a sign that we are with the wrong person - rather than realising that we may have something to learn. Then, instead of staying and trying to work it out, we walk away and continue searching for that elusive soul mate: the person who will guarantee our happiness and make our life complete.  But, we would do well to remember that life is not a fairy tale and that our relationships, like every other area of our life, require sustained effort to make them work. Happiness is not something we are entitled to after all, it is something that has to be built every day with patience, perseverance and a positive attitude.

It seems to me that one of the reasons that relationships can be so difficult is that everyone we attract into our life is a mirror for us in certain ways; and how we feel with someone is usually an indication of how we feel about the parts of ourselves that they mirror. When two people meet and feel an instant and deep mutual attraction, it is often because each person reflects some key aspect of the other. For example, it is not uncommon for us to find ourselves drawn to someone of similar background, temperament or life experience. If we are drawn to someone of similar temperament, this can make for a very challenging relationship as they will not only reflect back to us our positive qualities, but also the more negative ones that we may not wish to see! Conversely, when we are attracted to someone who appears to have developed qualities that are opposite to the ones that we are most identified with, they often mirror our disowned selves, and we mirror theirs. In other words, those characteristics that most attract us to the other person mirror the hidden aspects of ourselves that we have a subconscious need or desire to develop.

The kind of relationships I have described above are usually emotionally highly charged: we either love the other person, hate them, or both! We feel very attracted to them, and/or very uncomfortable, judgmental, annoyed, or frustrated with them. The stronger the feelings, the more important a mirror they are for us. But ultimately, we have drawn them into our reality for a reason: to make us more aware of something that we need to develop or change in ourselves. Either way, the fact that we have such strong feelings (one way or another) towards the other person, means that they are showing us a part of ourselves we need to acknowledge, accept, and integrate. Here is where most of us struggle because, unless we are extremely well-balanced, self-aware and uncomplicated individuals, this can be an uncomfortable process. In fact, once the euphoria of falling in love has faded, we may start to feel infuriated by the very characteristics that initially attracted us to the other person - either because they serve as a reminder of what is lacking in us, or because they remind us too closely of aspects of our own character that we would rather not see!

However,  for those willing to go the distance, these challenges are a gift because they provide a unique opportunity for self-development. Of course, sometimes we may learn what we have to learn and still walk away. But, even if a relationship ends, as long as we have shown a willingness and openness to work through the difficulties it presents, we will always gain something in the end. What follows is a fairy tale with a difference. So, don’t expect the usual “they met, they fell in love and then they lived happily ever after” scenario!

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love)